Foul-mouthed foster mom seeks home for Hank the hellion rescue dog

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The foster mom of a 1-year-old “hellion” dog wants him to be adopted — very badly.

Christine Clauder — the self-described “very exhausted” foster parent of a Siberian black mouth cur named Hank — created a comical webpage called to help her nuisance dog find a permanent home.

The website, titled “please adopt this hellion,” features a ranty description of her hyperactive pup with plenty of energy to burn.

“We’re all tired of Hank. Not because we don’t love him, we’re just TIRED,” reads the adoption site. “It’s like he drank ALL OF OUR COFFEE.”

The page adds plenty of other specific, potentially less-than-enticing tidbits about the hyperactive pooch’s “goofball” antics, including:

  • “He knows basic commands such as ‘sit,’ ‘down,’ ‘shake,’ and ‘why are you so f–king mental, stop chewing on that and get in your f–king kennel.’”
  • “He’ll f–king stand in between your legs and trip you up while you’re holding knives.”
  • “He’s 54 pounds of pure, unadulterated, kinetic energy with eyes like the ocean. Unfortunately, that ocean also sank the Titanic.”

Clauder included a disclaimer at the top of the site to let readers know that all information included on the page is “highly exaggerated for comical effect.” However, readers may still get a kick out of how Hank is loyal and neutered — the latter to prevent others from being “subjected to any of his hellspawn,” she wrote.

“While we were parked outside the Red Bull factory, Hank flew into our passenger side and immediately helped himself to our stash of road trip snacks like a teenager raiding the fridge after school,” the adoption site continued.

Clauder has volunteered at Abandoned Animal Rescue in Houston, Texas, for the past eight years and created the site to find Hank his “lifetime match.” Clauder told HuffPost that adding foul language to the adoption page was “geared toward exactly the kind of person Hank needs.

“The kind of people put off by it would not be a good match for him,” said Clauder. “When evaluating his personality, I realized Hank needs a special family, and I didn’t want to build a cutesy ‘what a sweet little puddy pie’ kind of website,” she added. “Not only would that be a complete lie, but it would actually increase the chances that Hank would be returned, which would further harm his adaptability.”

According to the site’s disclaimer, adoption is a “serious deal,” and people should not treat the process as a joke. “Leave the funny to us; we deserve it since we can’t sleep and all,” the disclaimer reads.

The site’s humor may have worked, as Hank’s rescue organization, Friends For Life, has already received several adoption applications that are currently under review. Clauder told HuffPost that she encouraged all pup lovers to apply since no decisions have been made yet.

In the meantime, Clauder is teaching Hank new tricks and is trying to find his off button by playing fetch with him.

“We know there is the perfect family out there who can give Hank the life he deserves,” she said. “Despite the tone of the site, we aren’t rushing this.”

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