The orgasm. As elusive as it is desired, for some people – reaching peak pleasure is a hard ask.
Thanks in no small part to the sexual pleasure gap, for many women, orgasms are hard to come by. Pun definitely intended.
You have to approach them in the same way you would a skittish deer. Creep up on it, pretend you don’t see it, act as though you’re not thinking about it all. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get to the finish line.
Too often, female pleasure is secondary in sexual encounters, and the result is what’s known as ‘the orgasm gap’. This gap tends to affect heterosexual women the most – and there’s science to back it up.
Insights from the International Academy of Sex Research found that 95% of heterosexual men usually or always orgasm during sex, compared to only 65% of heterosexual women.
If you’re in the camp of women who struggle to orgasm, or don’t get to climax frequently enough. You’re not alone. Thankfully there is help on hand.
Speaking to Metro.co.uk’s sex positive podcast Smut Drop, sex educator Amy Weissfeld has shared her expert tips for orgasming more, and orgasming better. Which is surely what we all want.
‘So many of us are caught up in our heads, right? There’s so much performance anxiety. We’re in our heads. We’re multitasking all day long,’ says Amy.
‘We’re walking around as if we have these giant balloon bubble heads, and our bodies are like tiny little pins. We’re thinking all the time.’
Amy likes her clients to focus not so much on the ‘story’ or what’s happening in the head, but instead what’s happening in our bodies.
Amy is an ambassador of self-pleasure and masturbation. She says great sex and great orgasms start with yourself.
‘We are our own best and longest lovers,’ says Amy.
‘We will make love with ourselves more than with anybody else on the planet. So learn what you like and do it well.
‘It’s kind of like, learning to play a musical instrument, or learning a foreign language. You’re learning the language of your body. What is the underlying language of your body sensation? What sensations does your body like?’
For Amy, it’s not just the fact of masturbating that can help improve our sex lives, it’s also how we are masturbating. She believes most of us could be doing it better.
‘Not everybody masturbates. But most people do,’ she says. ‘We get stuck in these childhood masturbation routines or habits. Most of us masturbate very quickly, we masturbate silently, and we masturbate in the dark. Under the covers. We are hiding from our parents, and then we’re hiding from roommates, then we’re hiding from our children. So, none of us embrace some of the things that could help us feel more pleasure – which are opening up the throat, being loud, some sound.’
Recent research shows that lockdown has made the orgasm gap worse for heterosexual women, with 78% of British women climaxing less frequently since isolating with their spouse.
Amy believes that better mindfulness and learning to stay in the moment can help to improve your sex life, and give you a better orgasm.
‘Where are we place our attention is important,’ she says. ‘I had to learn not to think about the fact that I didn’t do the laundry, or I forgot to start the dishwasher, in the middle of having sex.
‘My partner would be giving me oral sex, and I would be like, “f**k, what if he looks up and sees my double chin or my belly, or all of these other things.” So I wasn’t really present. I wasn’t mindful. I had to learn to pull my mind, my focus, my attention back to what am I feeling in my body.’
The next tip that Amy says is the key to unlocking great sex, is movement. Moving your body with freedom and less self-consciousness.
‘Allow any body impulses for movement to flow,’ says Amy. ‘So, a lot of us restrict the movement that we make, we don’t allow our pelvis to move, we don’t wiggle our fingers and toes, we don’t open and close our mouths, we don’t allow our jaw to drop to allow sound to escape.
‘So, just allowing any movement into the body can make a big difference. One really great way to practice that is to move before you masturbate or before you have sex. So put on some great music that you like and dance, f**king dance up a storm in your living room or your kitchen.’
The next tool at your disposal is breathing. In and out.
‘Breath can be used to both ramp up sexual arousal and excitement, and slow things down,’ Amy explains.
‘So, if you’re trying to get your sexy on and you’re not feeling a lot of hot, juicy flow, start to breathe a little bit faster.
‘Make your inhalations a little bit longer than your exhalations, make your breath sort of a circle with less of a pause. It’s that sort of panting note that we do when we get really hot and heavy in sex, we do that naturally. So we can kind of call that into our bodies.
‘For those who maybe want a little more control over when they orgasm, slow your breathing down – more exhalation than inhalation. Breath is an awesome tool because it can be used in those two ways.’
Smut Drop is a weekly podcast with hosts Jackie Adedeji and Miranda Kane from Metro.co.uk, touching on sex, dating and relationships.
With no holds barred, it’s the home of sex positive chat, where our hosts will be joined each week with sexperts and special guests to explore the world of the erotic.
And we want to hear from you, too! As part of our podcast we’ll be sharing listeners’ experiences, thoughts and questions on a different theme every week.
So if you want to be involved in something brilliant – either anonymously or using your bold and beautiful name – drop us an email to [email protected] or slide into our DMs on Twitter @smutdrop.
With new episodes dropping every Wednesday, you can download Smut Drop from all your usual places.
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