Dear Amy: I have been happily married for over 20 years. I love my wife and our son and daughter.
My wife and I are on the same page on most things — except for one big one: She wants to establish roots and stay in one place for her entire life so that her kids have a place to come home to from college, and a place for our kids to bring our grandchildren (when they have them).
I am different. I want out of our homogenous bubble of a California beach town. Our friends are mostly my wife’s friends, because I have a Larry David kind of brain and oftentimes things come out of my mouth that tend to rub people the wrong way.
Both of our kids will be attending college in Georgia. In my mind, that creates a perfect opportunity for us to start a little adventure and move there for a few years. You know — live in Savannah, play some golf, do some fishing, play some tennis, etc.
My wife disagrees. She has her mother to take care of, but Amy, her mother could live for another five to eight years. And she wants to have our home become the one our kids will bring their children to.
I feel like I am stuck in a bubble-prison. My term keeps getting extended. The things that I would have liked to do in my life seem to be slipping away.
Is that just life? Do I have to give up on my dreams because they don’t intersect with my wife’s?
When I try to push my agenda, my wife feels like she has to make an impossible choice between her husband and her mom.
Of course, her guilt chooses her mom, so where does that leave me?
— Georgia on My Mind
Dear Georgia: Your self-identification as a “Larry David” type makes me want to applaud your honesty — and give your wife a medal.
I’ll be your (unofficial) adjudicator: Your wife’s desire/need to take care of her mother is more important than your desire/need to pull her away to hang on the golf course and play some tennis, Larry.
And please don’t start the clock on your mother-in-law’s life span.
You and your wife both seem to have unrealistic expectations for your future – you want to be footloose, and she seems to believe that your two children will quickly multiply and bring a passel of grandchildren back to the homestead.
This grandchild-centered plan of hers might be well over a decade off, or not happen at all.
You might be able to split the difference, however. If you have the means (it sounds as if you do), perhaps you could decamp for a few weeks to Georgia, rent a place, and see if your wife can join you for a week or two while you are there. Getting out of the bubble, even briefly, might inspire both of you to think about your options in a new way.
Dear Amy: Now that spring is here, with the increased usage of our parks and trails, there is an issue regarding noise.
When someone chooses to use their smartphone’s speakerphone while walking, I’d like to ask them to please speak in a normal voice.
It is irritating when we can hear your loud voice a block away.
— Steve in Denver
Dear Steve: For some reason, the amplification of a speakerphone seems to inspire the other person to also raise their speaking volume. I agree that this is really annoying — and a violation of the privacy of both parties.
And to you grandparents FaceTiming your grandkids while walking around? Please stop.
However, for me, being irritated by this sort of thing harkens back to another time, when it might have qualified as an annoyance headline.
This relatively minor irritation would qualify as a comfort right now, but I “hear” you, and I hope others will, too.
Dear Amy: I appreciated your explanation of how flawed the IQ test is.
When I was a kid, apparently, I tested very high. My parents used this high score (they never told me what it was) to basically punish me whenever I didn’t get a perfect grade. They were all, “You’re genius-level smart, but you’re not doing well enough.” They assumed I was lazy.
Honestly, I was just a kid.
I’ve rejected the entire construct, because, as you pointed out, scores do not predict how well you do in life.
Dear Successful: Fortunately, parenting is graded on a curve.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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