‘Meghan Markle gets my award for Services to Porkie Pies after 13 dodgy claims’

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It's the time of year where gongs are given out like lateral flow tests.

So in honour of those who have got up our noses this year:

The Cuprinol Award for Services to Fences:

Sir Keir Starmer.

A man who puts the plank into wooden garden dividers.

Let’s hope he got a dictionary for Christmas so he could check out the meaning of the word "opposition".

Not so much a Labour leader but a deputy Prime Minister to Bozo.

The Pinocchio Award for Services to Porkie Pies:

A publicity-shy failed soap actress in a multi-million-pound Californian mansion whose relationship with the truth, it seems to me, is as good as it is with her dad.

There were 13 demonstrably dodgy claims in that now-infamous televised PR stunt.

Mind you she did have Oprah Winfrey wedged up her backside so she may have been in some pain to be fair.

The Donkey from Shrek Award for Services to Teeth:

Step forward (in a socially distanced way obvs) New Zealand’s very own dictator from hell, Jacinda Ardern.

A Kiwi fruit-loop who has turned her country into a Covid prison camp with ex-pats banned from returning home to see loved ones.

For two years.

The Genius Award for Services to Scotch Eggs:

  • Psychic who predicted Covid forecasts rise in ‘cults’ to 'near miss asteroid' in 2022

Never has a lurgy been as intelligent as Covid.

If viruses had IQs this one’s Einstein.

Because if you’ve been following the lockdown science (polite cough) our little spike proteined friend can tell the time, knows what you’re drinking, whether you’re eating a substantial meal, if you’re sitting down or standing up, recognises the borders between Wales/Scotland and England, and whether you’re at a business meeting or a party.

Bubonic plague hang your head in shame!

The Gawd Bless Her Award for Services to Still Being Alive:

  • Back pain among eight Omicron Covid-19 symptoms worried Brits should never ignore

It’s been an annus horribilis (and, yes, I’ve spelt that right) thanks to favourite son Andrew and her grandson but, blimey, Her Maj is a bit special isn’t she?

Leading by example despite the heartache of losing Philip she’s the very definition of duty and dedication.

We won’t see her like again.

The Horseman of the Apocalypse Award for Services to the Brothers Grimms’ Fairy Tales:

  • Lottery winners who scooped £12.4m on EuroMillions hand cheques to 30 pals

Seeing Doom and Doomer on your telly can only mean one thing.

Turning over. Yes, even if Mrs Brown’s Boys is the alternative to Whitty and Valance. In this pair’s funereal hands even good news is turned into a potential bit of granny killing.

And do any of us ever want to hear the phrase "next slide please" again?

Taking the kids to the playground will never be the same again.

The Cervix Award for Services to Human Biology:

  • 'Experts saying "follow science" on Covid really mean "follow our modelling"'

A woman (adult human fem-ale) talking about being a woman is now a hate crime.

So thank you JK Rowling for speaking out about the insanity of even the word "women" being some kind of profanity.

This doesn’t mean you hate trans people.

Still think the books are a bit rubbish though. Sorry.

The Can-Never-Unsee-That Award for Ser-vices to Video Nasties:

  • Brit nan, 78, breaks world record for largest ever collection of Christmas baubles

Putting the cock into Hancock (and the hired help) never has a politician screwed (up) so much in such a short space of time.

From care homes, curious contracts for pub landlords, PPE, dedication to dubious data and hypocrisy and having to tell your eight-year-old you were leaving his mummy.

Yep, gropey, ropey Matt wins hands on.

Sorry, down.

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  • Meghan Markle

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